Not back to the grind, back to the dream!

So I woke up to this image, and I shared that on Facebook...

Also, today, I shared that I was the female, homeschooling version of that guy from Hell's Kitchen...

Bi-polar? Not really. But it has been a rough couple of weeks, and I lost sight that my kids are my dream and my passion.  Our family has got some things we need to work on (don't we all?), and it has been revealing to say the least.

Control, being my major issue, is where I seem to be tested the most.  In my home, I control the activities and the environment.  The kids follow happily after my lead like sheep to the fold.

Out in public, with a gazillion other factors I cannot control... my kids act like real-live tarzans just brought back to civilization.  And so I've yelled - ALOT - in public, and when my stress level is through the roof, my kids find something NEW to embarrass me with.

Parenting fail? That's how it feels.  But I think God wanted to show me that I needed to work on this area of my life and turn this "grindstone" into my "passion".  Groceries, errands, and cleaning is not fun for anyone.  And unfortunately, that was the line-up for the weekend so that we are prepared for winter.  And the whole time my mind was on all the other things I could be doing "next" - when will I finish my degree? And in what? Will I ever be a beach body coach? Or a physical trainer?  Will I have a business? Write a book?  What can I do now to prepare myself for when I'm done with this stay-at-home mommy thing?!?

 Why do I want to be done with this stay-at-home mommy thing?  I just started.  And when I look at old photos of the kiddos, I regret how much I missed the first 7 years of mommyhood (I've been a mom for 8 years now?!?  When did that happen?!).  But the movie "Mom's Night Out" would not have even been thought of if being a mommy was as glorious as Angelina Jolie makes it out to be.

Then again, since my last blog everything has been so... un-routine... That it's unfair to the children and to myself to hold us to a Huxtable family standards.  To start, sometime 2 weeks ago we got sick. After Labor Day the husband went through a very stressful period at work and got home ill - sore throat, runny nose, headache, fevers... and passed it down to us over the period of 8 days.  I pushed through that week, exercising as much as I physically could (although I was so frustrated I couldn't breathe well enough to improve my running time!), taking care of the household + sick husband + sick kiddo (Anakin's schoolwork revolved around medications, poor boy!) + sick me.  And as many Mommies now, we throw ourselves under the bus until everyone else in the house is squared away.  Add to that the stress that I won't be helping this month as much as I usually do financially with my part-time job because my store is being remodeled and I haven't worked in 2 weeks... and the week before that, I only worked 3 hours.  That's, with commission, a whopping $60 from me this month. MONTH.  And keeping my chin up with my personal issues, I also grieved and prayed with a friend who unsuspectingly lost her father about 8000 miles away.  A downer to living in Alaska - you live a $1000 plane ticket ride to anywhere.  I worried about her. I mourned with her.

Although life tends to come at you in this way, random unexpected, unbalanced things flying at you all the time, I'm pretty sure that this perfect storm of circumstances and horrible outdoor weather did not do us justice.  I'm not saying circumstances turned my kids into little demons.  But if I'm completely honest, I'm positive there were moments at home where I mentally "checked out" on the kids, and then "checked back in" to have a fit when Caleb put something in his ear out in public... never mind the fact that he was probably doing that habitually at home often and I wasn't addressing it.

So back to this morning post, my mentality shifted: I am living my passion.  I'm not going to the grindstone of a job or a class, I'm doing right now exactly what I feel like doing.  It's a dream come true, although I'm all the more empty in the pocketbook for it.  God is working in me and that's the best kind of self-improvement anyone can ever ask for.  My vision for the future is hazy but I'm at a perfect platform to start from.  And even though the school year just started, my kids are making progress by leaps and bounds.  I know I don't get paid to do this, and I don't always get a thank you, and the sacrifice feels so big, and I don't get to clock in and out, but it is so rewarding to witness my children expanding their knowledge and their faith as full and as far out as they want to go... the sky is the limit... I've heard it said that you find something you can do from sunset to sunrise and that's your dream... I'm living it!

I must confess though, that my diet and my exercise recently has been haphazard at best.   But it's in this crucible that I've discovered some things about myself. Like the fact that I LOVE vegetables.  I had a week of eating junk food out of a box (because it's cheap and we were waiting on payday), went to Golden Corral on Sunday, and piled 1 (yup! Just ONE!) plate with Brussels sprouts, salad, cabbage, and fried okra.  And some beef.  This wasn't me trying to "eat skinny" or "stick to a diet" (who the heck goes to a buffet if they're on a diet!?), this was the stuff I was drooling after!  (And before anyone puts me on a pedestal, I'll add I also had a bowl with half bread pudding and half cherry pie... see... not "dieting"!)

Another thing I discovered is that I love running. I'm a runner at heart.  Every non-running work out I did was in the hopes that it would improve my running.   Any day I was supposed to run, but couldn't, I was cranky.  I didn't even make it to the gym to lift weights, so I did 21 Day Fix at home, and my motivation for the grind was to be a better runner. More endurance. Flexibility. Strength.

I was super frustrated that it takes me 46 minutes to do 2.75 miles. Which means I'm no where near running a 5K in 30 minutes (make that an hour for this slowpoke).  But it's an improvement to know I can hold a steady, albeit slow jog for 35 consecutive minutes.  So I researched my usual blogs and sites and found a running-based weight loss plan I started today.  I will run more often, sometimes endurance runs, sometimes just for a quick warm up, and sometimes to build speed (yes, that means at times I will sprint. Lord Jesus have mercy on me.).  And strength training and yoga will be more supplementary.  The beautiful thing about the Runtastic app, specially since I went pro (best $1.99 I've ever spent), is that I can build my own interval plan. Or set my own running goals.  I can put all I want to accomplish in a run into the app and only use one app to voice coach me.  Then the phone goes in my pocket and I'm done.  And the training plan was free (here ya go!).  I can only pray for no snow the next 8 weeks, but I wouldn't be surprised if I complete the plan on a treadmill at the gym.  Oh well.

I cannot conceive in my own mind how or why all this is important now, and how it can result in anything big in the future.  I can't see me standing in front of thousands and speaking about my life as a homeschooling mom and a runner as if it was a great, inspirational achievement.  At least, not in comparison to anyone else I would pay to go hear.  What I'm doing now doesn't seem to benefit anyone but my family and me.  And it may be that my life's work, all God ever allows me to fulfill, is only to reach and bless the four people and a dog that live under the same roof as me.  I confess I feel like I have so much more to share, and so much more I would like to influence.  But I've never been one to be lackadaisical with anything I put my hands to, so I will give this season in my life my best until God opens new doors for me.  I think it will be worth it.