As I'm staring at my laptop I have two dogs next to me, sleeping. I have a cup of Spearmint/Peppermint/Tarragon tea. I have my feet up. I am sore all over - my back up to my neck and shoulders. I feel tired. I smell lavender and peppermint because those are the essential oils I was in the mood for today.
I've made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, taken the dogs out to play, worked out for 12 minutes, stretched and did yoga for another 8, fed the kids lunch, and started prepping for dinner. I read my daily devotional and my Bible. I've spoken to my husband, spoken to my boss, perused Facebook and Weilos.
I... feel... so...blegh!
If I don't even feel like reading, it's not a good thing. The exercise lifted my mood a little bit. And talking to the hubs, I'll be going to the gym later tonight. And I did sleep ok the past two days - much better than last week.
I ran another 5K in the snow, yesterday. Beat my original time by a minute and 19 seconds.
I have no reason to feel blegh, I just do. I'm not worried or stressed. The kids aren't behaving bad. I'm not hungry. Nothing is bothering me except that I feel blegh.
It has been a good month. Christmas pageant at the church, some hard-put hours at my job. Time as a family, playing board games, watching movies, and eating food that I put my heart into. Then spending time with friends and eating food that they put their heart into. The kids got great presents and are super happy. We're doing Bible devotionals every night. I could recall wonderful after wonderful moment from my last blog until now!
On Sunday, after my work shift, I went to a holiday party sponsored by the church at the mall where I work. It was free ice skating and bowling. I did ice skating for 45 minutes - and held my balance, didn't fall, didn't spend the whole time holding the wall. I did spend some time holding a kid... but I was pretty happy with some exercise, some fun, some food and fellowship.
So why am I so blegh right now?
Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm tired of the same ol', same ol', needing something new to excite me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. I feel peace, joy and thankfulness when I count my blessings and I realize that we're doing great. Maybe it's not Reality TV type awesome, but God has been good to us.
I'm just wondering if what I need is a fresh new vision to motivate me.
I don't want my feelings to be dependent of my circumstances. December looked exciting on the calendar: Hawaii, caroling, parties, Christmas. Woo-hoo! Put the scale away this month. It's time to be merry and bright!
I don't even have a January 2015 calendar. And if I did, except for this Saturday, I'd have nothing on it. But my work schedule (blegh). Should I be less joyful because my calendar isn't full of fun and exciting things in January? No. And yet, I feel so blegh.
Maybe it's SADD. I go through this tango every winter, from December through February. I lose all motivation and inspiration - I just mechanically get through my day, checking things off my list as I go. We have lived through 5 Alaskan winters and this tropical South American girl just doesn't thrive here this season.
It also doesn't help that finances get tighter... So all the things I think, "Ooh! I'd like to do that!" Then I realize, "I probably won't be able to do that until March or so when the cash is a bit more free flowing." I shoot myself down before I start dreaming...
If I allow myself to dream, for the sake of this blog post, I'd love to join a CrossFit gym, particularly condition my body for obstacle courses. I'd like to do a pull up and get across a set of monkey bars - something I've never done in my life. I'd like to do the Spartan race and about 3-4 5ks, maybe even a 10K next year. I'd like to attend classes at a gym and not just show up to lift weights and use the treadmill. I love Zumba!
I would like to sign up for two medals a month through US Road Running and other virtual races, and run my little heart out, and keep one set of medals every month for the Christmas tree next year, and gift the other medals to close friends and family.
There are restaurants I want to try out - I have not eaten out in a while! Once this month - Christmas weekend - and in Hawaii (we didn't have a choice there). And there are places in Anchorage I want to go eat at.
I'd like a heart rate monitor to see how hard I'm exercising so I don't fool myself. Just because I think I'm dying doesn't mean my body is really at it's limit.
And then there are dreams that seem so far away I don't even picture them clearly in my head - I won't allow myself to envision them, and feel the pain in my heart that follows...
But I read in my devotionals that God keeps a record of all my tears, and some of those tears are grief over dreams I've let go of, that I revisit in my heart's cemetery of sorts - where I walk by, remember all the things that won't happen, and mourn my losses... and move on. I've prayed and asked God about these matters, and He didn't respond the way I wanted Him to, and now I lack the faith to ask God to do much of anything else.
Just our daily bread. And our health. The kids' safety. Nothing more. I don't know if I can handle more disappointment in life, and the best way to not be disappointed is to not desire or expect anything. That way if it comes, it's a pleasant surprise, but if it doesn't, then you've learned to live without it.
If you're reading this, you're probably thinking, "Well, that's why you feel so blegh!" And I'm sure there's a gazillion things unbiblical about how I'm feeling in this post. And I know that others, with stronger faith, could offer a reprimand or two and tell me to read more Joyce Meyers or Max Lucado and just "believe". I can give the whole, "be spiritual! You're a child of the King!" talk to myself as good as anyone, because no one has learned the art of fake-it-till-you-make-it better than me.
But the point of my blog as a whole wasn't to impress you, but rather be transparent. The confession is, I don't set New Years Resolutions. I hate goal setting period - I feel like it sets me up for failure. I don't put numbers or measurable statistics up for me to visualize. My goals are more of suggestions, things I'm going to try to do, if I can, when I can. I choose to make smaller, daily choices that I can manage. At the end of the day, God is the one who opens doors and closes them, so I might as well just wait to see what He allows into my life instead of beating my knuckles bloody on closed doors as I did in years past.
You may have read this far and thought, "You still say God is good?!" Yes, and I believe it with all my heart. Our relationship issues are a reflection of my weaknesses and failures, not of His power or His love. In His amazing kindness God gave me amazing blessings this year that I didn't ask for or deserve; I lost about 30 lbs. I ran four 5Ks when I only aimed for one. I read through my Bible this year. I started this blog (and I haven't given up yet!). I honestly did not believe I was going to see Hawaii until the plane took off - I thought for sure there was going to be some error or tragedy to keep us from going, up until the last minute at the airport. I wasn't expecting to go. Vacation in Hawaii is something nice that happens to other people, but it's not really my lot in life. I was healed of Rheumatoid Arthritis - all while I was more than prepared to live with it until the day I die, but my husband had the faith to reach out and ask God otherwise... it was during a prayer of healing that wasn't even meant for me, but for youth pastors, which I am not. And a month after that event I walked in to my last Rheumatologist appointment, and blood work confirmed I was healed. I didn't have the faith to ask God for any of these things, and yet in His kindness towards me He blessed me anyways. Just to show me that He knows my heart and He cares for me. Yup. He's good.